Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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