i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
