people are starting to question the shark bite story
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Less talking, more tequila
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
