Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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