We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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