the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
