I think my fart just growled at me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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