I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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