i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
