Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
