I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
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"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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