I accidentally had phone sex last night
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
