1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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