Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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