she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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