What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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