A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
