so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize