Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
did you just send me my own nude
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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