At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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