well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
