i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
