I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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