I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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