sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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