I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just google imaged poop.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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