my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
operation have a gay friend backfired
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
