Someone shit on the floor
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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