I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
