umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
