not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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