MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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