hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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