I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
