My girlfriend figured out who you are.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
