Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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