i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
