i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
