The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
