Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
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We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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