I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
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Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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