I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she pinky promised me she was 18
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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