i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
