I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i drank out of a bidet.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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