I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The beer is more important than you right now.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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