So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
