tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
