I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
