Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
