The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
