Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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