I looked at my own cervix.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
