i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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