If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
