well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
