Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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